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| dear xanga,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder
it's getting worse i think.
every year it gets a little worse.
panda says i just shouldn't think about it,
it'll go away again, right?
but does that mean...
i can't ever recall my memories without feeling like this?
i think the only reason i don't feel like this as much in the spring and summer,
is because i don't dwell on things as much,
i have more to occupy my mind with.
i don't like "mental disorders."
i think they've become a cop-out in a lot of regards.
but i think the disassociation that i feel might be due to post traumatic stress disorder.
i can't remember when it started.
when did everything become third person?
was it when i was nine(ish)?
or when i was fifteen?
is this a blessing in disguise?
anyways,
i'll update as usual probably tomorrow night or something.
peace.
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| dear xanga,
so, ian's been here about a week now,
we haven't really done much but watch movies,
killer klowns from outer space, phantasm, the sentinel, them, and akira.
well, ian and panda have been playing a lot of magic,
but it's been good times.
a couple nights ago we took ian through dogtown and to the spot,
and then to vectren's penis.
again, good times.
i've finished training for work,
and actually started working.
it was incredibly nerve-racking the first day @.@
i didn't have many ANGRY people,
honestly, i had more people who were like "aaaww, you're doing fine on your first day, good luck."
but it was just so hard to persuade the angry ones.
i also had a guy hit on me o.o;;;
i almost got like, three sales...
i think they'll all still go through on later dates, so i guess it's okay.
ALSO, MY WORK GIVES YOU FREE ENERGY DRINKS.
i've been really irritable these last couple days,
i keep feeling like i did... last year?
it's strange.
my memories and thoughts and feelings don't seem real.
i don't know if it went away because i had stopped thinking about everything or what.
but i started thinking about everything u.u
and it's back.
i feel like i'm watching a movie.
in other news,
i went to best buy and put an external harddrive on hold,
ish a terabyte :D :D :D
kesh is excited.
anyways,
peace. | | |
| dear xanga,
so friday i woke up at like, eight in the morning,
packed, drove my mom to work, and headed over to sugoi.
i arrived at like, eleven thirty XD
needless to say, i waited around by myself until one.
finally, i found dita and hung out with her until three or so?
i halped her with the artist alley crap,
well, kind of.
mostly we just talked and listened to moosic on her compooter.
once phillip got to the con, i wandered around with him for an hour or two,
mostly through the dealer's room,
he bought me a piplup plushie! n.n (ish eating ice cream <3)
i gots to see lune! n.n
i saw kate and weller for a few minutes too,
around five thirty, dita, peter, and i went on a burger king adventure.
we got crowns 8D
i didn't get to see allison (and her crew) until right before i had to leave :<
i feel really bad, this little neko-fetish boy kept talking to me all day,
he was so adorably innocent and shy x3
i didn't get to say goodbye to him.
so i picked my mom up around seven thirty and we headed to louisville.
panda was a little late, so we got mexican food,
and then panda and i left.
halloween was aaawweesssooome.
i dressed up as siouxsie,
and panda dressed up as a goth faggot,
and wore a siouxsie shirt x3
i thought it was cute.
we spent the night at noah's,
john, andy, noah's other two brothers were there.
we had a bonfiiirrreeee.
(i melted the bottom of my shoe o-o; )
chaos ensued.
mostly involving astro-boy x.x
never again.
at some point, we went to denny's.
and had amazing food.
john almost got into a fight i think.
and then we came back and watched hellraiser.
panda and i went home and crashed after that.
nothing really happened sunday until we hung out with jeffrey,
i think he and i are on good terms again,
i'm glad.
i feel bad about what i said to zach because they both interpreted it wrong x.x
anyways, so while panda was at his mom, we had a smoke,
and then went to ihop when panda got back.
yesterday was my first day of training for work,
jeffrey, zach, and i went out for indian foodz,
and then jeffrey and i watched a wilco documentary once we got back to his house,
theeeennn i had to work.
bah! it was so looooooong!
but i think this job will be okay >.<
just need to get mah sales on.
i felt really sick once i got back,
so i ended up falling asleep before ian got here :<
i feel bads.
i think they were up until like, eight in the morning,
they woke me up a few times x3
anyways, i'm supposed to wake up ian,
but he looks so asleep x.x
and i don't want him to have only gotten like, three hours or something.
i'll figure something out.
then it's back to woooorrrrrrk!
peace.
| | |
| dear xanga, i don't think i ever mentioned,
but we almost have enough money for diksha!
i think we're going sometime in early december.
(i hope the nih doesn't want me to come then...) so, i saw katy yesterday for the first time in foreeeevveerrrr.
we went to whole foods and got sushi :D
and then to the newport mall,
I HAS THE NEW KILL AUDIO COMIC NAO.
WWEEEEEEWWWWWWWW.
i wish they would release their friggin album :<
then we wents to the river and took pictures like old times x3
eventually we wandered back to her dorm and listened to sigur ros and took a nap,
well, kind of, we didn't really sleep.
after waking up and getting awesome foodz,
WE HAD A HAIRDYE PARTY.
like, everyone brought hair dye,
and everyone (well, mostly) was allowed to use it.
there was blue and purple and black and red and... well, i think that's it.
katy tried putting black underneath her blonde and getting blue eartails,
but only the blue came out.
i tried redying my hair red and getting black eartails,
but neither of them came out.
laura tried to dye her hair purple,
but it didn't turn out.
i think the only color that turned out was blue.
and raye's red.
oh well, it was still fun,
and i took more pictures.
i cut mah bangs too :3 i think they're cute. then i left for dita's.
well, my phone blacked out or something,
so i went to her old house... and waited there for like, a half an hour, maybe fourtyfive minutes.
but no one ever came home.
finally, my phone turned back on and i got in touch with her.
and she lives right next to uc >.<
so i drove BACK to clifton,
and to her house.
and by that time i felt really ill.
izzy and kyo and michelle were just leaving,
and two other guys,
i think i knew one of them but i don't remember,
so it was only me and dita and peter.
i don't think i was much fun ._.;;;
i hope they're not irked about it.
anyways, we went on an adventure to walmart to get beads,
but it was closed.
so we went to cvs and had another adventure.
i eventually dropped them back off and went home. i was up until like, five talking to jeffrey and panda,
i really hope i didn't lose a good friend ; . ;
or make him really sad or something. i was supposed to hang out with chloe today,
but my mom got stuck at work and didn't get home until like, four.
i tried getting in touch with her again, but she never answered.
i iz a sad kesh. i had a huge money scare today u.u
but it's okay, i think. i re-pierced mah third holes on mah ears :D
woooo! i think allison and i are hanging out tonight at eleven or something.
maybe i'll swing until then.
i doubt my ipod battery will last that long though u.u
i used it most of the way to cinci on the bus. i gets to go to sugoi for a couple of hours tomorrow! n.n
i think i'm going to deathhawk mah hair.
i'll be leaving pretty early though, so i don't know. and the next day is halloweeeeeeeen!
peace. | | |
| dear xanga, decided to take the bus to cinci.
panda drove me to louisville and then i took the bus the rest of the way,
didn't get home until like, two in the morning x.x i'm worried about my mom,
it looks like she's not going to turn the heat on all winter again. i had a doctor's appointment the next day,
they don't know why the simvastin stopped working,
they might double or even triple the dose.
they need to talk with dr. kastner first at the nih.
(or i might have to start on the anikinera again T_________T
no more neeeeedlessssss!
at least it would only be once a month....)
they're wondering if i don't maybe have some underlying illness with the hidgs...
i might have to go back (to the nih) sometime soon :<
not looking forward to it...
for now, they're going to start me on prednisone.
fuuuucccckkkk i hate that stuff. i had to get my blood taken too.
it took them three tries and ten minutes each of digging around in my arm T_T
i was like, shaking and about to pass out to the end of it.
you'd think i would be have built up some kind of endurance power towards them over all this time. afterwords i hung out with brent.
he gave me delicious thai food and brownies.
and bought me a monster!
we went to hobbytown usa and he bought magic cards,
i almost got some too but i decided i didn't want to crush panda's hopes and dreams <3
and we went to the park that is apparently a five minute walk from my house,
and swung and smoked cloves and acted like bad-asses.
(apparently some place in eastgate still sells cloves and will continue to do so until they get shut down.)
we eventually left because it was really freaking cold,
and played magic back at his house,
and watched bleach.
it was a good day n.n i feel like shit today.
again.
i need to go fill up my prescription x.x i don't really know what the plan is for the rest of the week.
there are a lot of people i've made plans with.
or are making plans with.
katy, chloe, alison, dita, argento, brent, andrewkun,
hopefully i'll be able to stop by and see kirsten and my aunt and uncle too.
and sugoi is on friday.
i don't know what the plans are for getting home,
but i may get a badge for friday and then have someone take me to louisville that night.
i needs to talk to my pahna about it.
i miss him :< i might not keep this blog for very much longer,
i've been thinking about copying it all into a journal and then deleting this.
so many memories...
but i think i'd rather write them down.
i can't remember what the little depressing notes to myself are anymore,
i'd rather know what was going on i think.
i'll think about it. anyways,
peace. | | |
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